Shutdown Showdown

– Welcome back to the show. Because of the shutdown, hundreds of thousands of government workers aren’t being paid the money they were counting on to feed their families and buy their medicine, but there are some people who think the shutdown is no big deal. Some of the workers they call essential probably aren’t, and some of those nonessential workers do important things. But for the most part, it’s day 27, and most people don’t notice. You know, sometimes it feels like all you need to be hired on Fox is a mustache and a bad take. I sent Allanna down to Washington, DC, to find out how essential nonessential workers are. ALLANNA HARKIN (VOICEOVER): Federal workers have been furloughed, or working without pay, for over a month. To find out what important jobs are not getting done, I flew to Washington, DC. Yes, security lines were long. On the upside, I was able to carry lots of items I’d usually have to check, including my emotional support bow and arrow.

Then, off to talk to furloughed workers I went, prepared for a Washington, DC, paralyzed by the shutdown. I’ve got toilet paper. Yeah, you can poop anywhere. Nothing matters anymore. Take a big dump. ALLANNA HARKIN (VOICEOVER): Many federal workers are scared to speak out. So how do we give them a voice without compromising their careers? The same way they get out-of-work celebrities do it on my new favorite hallucination and TV show, “The Masked Singer.” Scream. That’s right. Get ready for “The Masked Federal Worker.” On “The Masked Federal Worker,” our studio is a random bar, and the music is totally fake. I love royalty-free music. It’s my favorite. ALLANNA HARKIN (VOICEOVER): But the voices of the people you’ll hear are from interviews we conducted with actual furloughed government workers, with jobs vital to a functioning society.

I see that horn. Uh-huh. ALLANNA HARKIN (VOICEOVER): And while our contestants tell us about tasks that are going undone, I’ll be getting close, closer, and closest as I try to match the task to the mask. Let’s meet them. In my agency, we sometimes fight fire with fire. We deal with terrorist attacks. We play a key role in making sure the toilets flush. I’m not gonna answer that question. Is the show over yet? ALLANNA HARKIN (VOICEOVER): Nope, not until I guess the agencies where these people work. (SINGING) Working around the clock. Wow. Oh, my god. Oh, whoa. You look amazing. You have a beat in your body, like you belong in a regulatory agency, but you sound like a cabinet department. Now that I’m behind the mask, my agency isn’t important unless you drink water or breathe air. Oh, those are really, really good hands.

Are you FDA? IRS? Treasury? No? Are you Lady Gaga? (SINGING) When she struts her stuff, walking into a room, you can hear every heart go, crash, bang, zoom. Tell us all about your agency. My agency keeps you safe at national parks and keeps national parks safe from you. FCC? No? I got it. Magician. You’re a magician. I am not a magician. If I was, I would, you know, get the government to work again. (SINGING) Ooh, I like it like that. Give me a hint of who you are by, like, just freaking me out. I am concerned that preparation for hurricane season is not being done, and will have an adverse effect on the American public. You did a really good job. I asked you to do something for me, and you it. This is the time that we have to prepare for fire season. Fire season’s right around the corner. We’re running out of time at this point, and I can’t stress how scary that is. What keeps me up at night is knowing that some of the oversight bodies of government who help make sure that the government operates safely and in accordance with the law– those offices are largely in hibernation right now.

I thought this was gonna be fun. Did you think it was gonna be fun? Yeah. I’m just terrified. You know, we’re supposed to be sort of the watchdogs on making sure people have clean water to drink. And it worries me that people are calling our phone and no one’s answering. We’re gonna die. We’re gonna die. Clearly the Democrats’ priorities are way out of whack here. – Wait, ugh. – Way out of whack. Hold on, sir. Are you a federal employee? Um, well– Mitch McConnell, I know that’s you.

Oh, you’re not Mitch McConnell? Oh no? You want this? You want some of this? Oh, you want some of this? Well, yeah, go get it. Yeah, go get it. Go open government. Oh, my gosh. Oop, I wasn’t expecting– oh, my– ALLANNA HARKIN (VOICEOVER): Turns out no one was Lady Gaga. Instead, we had dedicated workers from the EPA, FEMA, the National Park Service, the Bureau of Land Management, and the Department of Homeland Security. He spoke on the record as a representative of the American Federation of Government Employees. RYAN BAUGH (VOICEOVER): Federal workers love this country. They love to serve this country.

The work they do is important, and we’re treating that resource wastefully. OK, are you in a boy band? RYAN BAUGH (VOICEOVER): No, that’s ridiculous. No, he’s in something sexier than a boy band– the government workforce that protects our food, skies, streets, and environment. Let’s put them back to work. OK, stop. No, no. That’s too close. OK, no, no, no. No. Whoa. Go to the graphic. We’ll be right back. .

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